SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - So expensive to ship, you'll keep it and not return it

Jim McDonald provides this handy Product Description Glossary:

•NEW - Different color from previous design.
•ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
•EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
•UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
•FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
•ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
•IT’S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
•FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
•HIGH ACCURACY - All parts fit.
•FUTURISTIC - No conceivable reason for it to look the way it does.
•REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed—we hope.
•DIRECT SALES ONLY - Manufacturer had a big argument with distributor.
•YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
•BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
•MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
•MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
•SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.
•HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
•NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn’t make it work long enough to ship it.