"Pope Forgives Molested Children"

"Though grave and terrible sins have been committed, our Lord teaches us to turn the other cheek and forgive those who sin against us," said the pope, reading a prepared statement from a balcony overlooking St. Peter's Square. "That is why, despite the terrible wrongs they have committed, the church must move on and forgive these children for their misdeeds."

"As Jesus said, 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,'" the pope continued. "We must send a clear message to these hundreds—-perhaps thousands-—of children whose sinful ways have tempted so many of the church's servants into lustful violation of their holy vows of celibacy. The church forgives them for their transgressions and looks upon them not with intolerance, but compassion."

Perhaps the most righteously vicious Onion story ever, and -- as Andrew Sabl notes -- dating from 2002. The church having done absolutely nothing to reform itself over the past eight years, the story remains on-point. I wish I could read it aloud to Benedict XVI personally.